I know lots of women enjoy football. I do, too. Especially on a big screen with lots of zoomed-in action on those football pants. And I can even follow the rules of the game most of the time. (I didn’t date a football player in high school for nothing, people!) But when it comes to this whole fantasy football thing, I’m worthless. I don’t know the football players’ names, I don’t know their stats, their teams, their positions, or which ones are dating pop stars. (My status as a pop culture ignoramus is a topic for another day.)
So this year, while everyone’s picking their fantasy football teams, I propose a fantasy boyfriend team. Less because I have any hope of knowing all the smart, sexy, attractive men about to be tossed out as “team players” (wink, wink), but more because, hello, excuse to google hot guys! Plus, the rules are a lot simpler to understand.
And since there’s that whole fantasy element to my fantasy boyfriend league, I propose the following positions on each team (complete with abbreviations, just like they do in sports!).
LF: Laundry Folder
BR: Back Rubber
DD: Dish Doer
LM: Lawn Mower
FM: Funny Man
CB: Child Bather
FB: Flower Bringer
CG: Chocolate Gifter
DP: Date Planner
ASR: All-Star Romantic
IS: Itch Scratcher
1. List your team in the comments below. Trash-talking phrases such as “Hugh Jackman can mow my lawn anytime,” “Penalty on Bradley Cooper. He’s just not pulling the weight the team needs from a DP this week!” and “My Mark Harmon can out-romance your Benedict Cumberbatch any day,” are highly encouraged. As is correcting me on which fantasy boyfriend would never let you down as a date planner.
2. You don’t have to use every position, and you can make up your own positions too. (Interpret as you will.) You can also use fictional celebrities, such as book and TV heroes, on your team.
3. Points will be accumulated based on the popularity and positivity of the celebrity in question. So Ben Affleck would’ve scored positive points for being named the next Batman, but the whole internet outcry over it was a total fumble, so he’d be a wash for the week. (Hey! Look at me quoting pop culture! I’m learning already.) Or points are awarded just for creativity in arguing why points should be awarded. (Book characters get mega points from me.)
3.b. As I’m terrible with pop culture, I’ll rely on all of you to help with the scoring. (Seriously, the Ben Affleck thing is an anomaly.)
4. You can change your team anytime you want to. (Fantasy Boyfriend League is heavy on the fantasy part.)
5. Someone artsy is encouraged to make a Fantasy Boyfriend League badge. They get fifty extra points. (Especially if they incorporate Jackson into the badge.)
6. The game will continue indefinitely, with random prizes awarded randomly and indiscriminately by anyone wishing to award a prize for any random and indiscriminate reason.
7. But really, we all win, because a) hot guys, and b) fantasies. Who can argue with that?
So. Who wants to play? Educate me on pop culture and bring me your best fantasy boyfriends. It’s win-win, people. Win-win.